The Lord has allowed me to overcome much adversity and pain in my life. I pray that I will be able to share the comfort I've received from the Lord.

I was born on the day Martin Luther King Jr. was assasinated; which impressed greatly upon me during my childhood...especially the longings and the hopes that those who suffer unjustly shall receive justice. My father told me the story of how his mother, so angry with him, was unwilling to drive him to the hospital to witness my birth. (subsequently, my grandmother played an enigmatic, bitter-sweet role in my life).

My parents were loving parents, but they separated when I was 3. My earliest memories are memories of wistful longing for my father...to have more of him in my life...rather than resorting to reminiscing over photographs of me as a baby reposing on his busom in complete and secure peace. This pain was great and it spilled into every area of my life. When I watched the movie, "Cable Guy" I recognized the bitter-sweet sadness of being an only child whose lonliness and adult supervision was remedied by television. Yes, the babysitter was the television in my life, and from a young age due to my mother's neccesity of working hard as a waitress.

At one point during my childhood, I was forced to attend church because we were living with my great-grandmother. I believed the gospel message...but my belief was not carried through during my teen years.

There were many hardships and frequent moves due to poverty, but as a child, I never recognized that we were poor. I thought it quite normal to eat canned beanie-weanies night after night on a regular basis, lol.
My father re-married when I was 11. The pain I experienced from this was very hard to endure, not so much from the fact that he remarried, but the woman he married was exceptionally jealous of me...and was abusive in subtle ways (which led me to dub her as the step-monster, lol!). Anger started to replace the hurts and this took the form of alcohol and drug abuse.

Enter the wild-child days of my youth, lol. Being able to look back upon that time, I recognize that the main problem was my insatiable need for fatherly authority in my life. There was a void that desperately needed to be filled, and fill it I did...with whatever came my way. At one point, it led to me being expelled from school. This pained my mother to no end and my guilt was great during my teen years.

The shame and guilt, coupled with anger led me to walk out of mom's apartment when I was 17. I lived from friend to friend to friend...and started back to school again. I ended up at my aunt's apartment to finish my senior yr of high school. It was in February of that year, that my mother went to a highway overpass and jumped from it to her death.

Words cannot express the deep remorse and regret coupled with guilt I experienced from my mom's suicide. Only the remembrance of my first and final time to view the apartment I spent much of my teenage yrs could allow a taste. I spent this last time alone, and upon getting ready to leave, I went to the hallway closet for a final look. At the edge of the top shelf, was Mom's waitressing-tip money tightly wound into a thick ball. Rather than have it hidden underneath the phone books, here was the money in prominent display. It was more than I could bear, I took the money, and threw it across the room...then, while clinging to the doorknob for dear life, I sank face first to the cold, wood-paneled floor and screamed until I recognized that all the neighbors would be hearing my agony... the previous, surreal days gave way to an avalanche that only I, and the hardwood floor shared.

For a full year after her death, I would frequently (almost daily), drive to this horrifying bridge, as if drawn like a magnet. My tears were my own and hidden from those around me. Each day I went, contemplation to follow her footsteps drove my depression deeper. Writing was my main outlet, but I needed to know; where was she? What happened to her? Was she still alive? Two days after her death, I had knelt down by my bed and cried to God..."Oh God! Is she alive?????? PLEASE, send a sign to me that she still lives!". (But my cynicism could'nt be answered, although God did answer). My ten yr old cousin came to me the following morning and told me that an Angel had came to him and told him my mom was still alive! (But for my skeptical reasoning, I dismissed this and thought "surely, he's just trying to make me feel better, that really didn't happen").

Which led me to a bitterness towards God...not that He would allow my mom to die such a horrible death, but that He wouldn't answer my question. After waiting for a short span of time, I arrived to the conclusion that He wouldn't/didn't answer me, and I said out loud..."____ GOD!" From that point onward, I determined in my heart, to do whatever I desired to do, with no thought or grief over conscience' sake. I became friends with a girl who practiced witchcraft and listened to satanic music...and wholeheartedly followed suit. I started playing the Ouiija board, especially in hopes to know if there was a spiritual realm. During one of these times, it was after my friend led me through a ritualistic rite of Necronomacan(which is supposed to lead a person to the first gate of hell, and upon each of a total of 7 trips, one is supposed to receive supernatural powers), I had a dream. (I was staying in a dorm at Job Corps)...I could see the room, yet I was literally sleeping, and also sleeping in the dream....A white, ethereal spirit floated through the door and came to my bed. It went underneath my bed, and took it's long arms and wrapped them around the bed and me from underneath. It took it's cold hands and placed them over my mouth and nose, and I started to suffocate! This went on for a short time, until I awoke, gasping for breath! (The experience was allowed as a warning from God, although I didn't quite recognize it as such, I started developing a belief that this really took place...and that there was a spiritual realm).

Binge drinking and drugging couldn't replace or fix the emotional pain I was experiencing...at times my soul felt as if it were being torn in two, or a (seemingly, never-ending) hot dagger was going through my heart. There were days after bingeing that I had bruises, head to toe, and felt like walking death. On a couple of occassions, I attempted to climb a fenced in walk-way overpass in order to jump to the highway below...but I was stopped by several strong, young men who literally fought me in the process. After a few months I met a young man at Job Corps whose mother had either been murdered or committed suicide...the connection had to be there...it seemed we were meant for each other and we decided to live together. Oddly enough, the very day I decided to discontinue drinking and drugging was the day I conceived my daughter(although I started again later). Rick was a heavy drinker and would go into violent fits of rage during drunkeness. At one point, after the birth of our daughter, God warned me in a dream that his violent rage could possibly end up murdering our daughter!..but I didn't recognize it was God speaking at that time. It wasn't long after this that we separated, never to see each other again.

The lure to drink and do drugs crept back on me...and most tempting of all was the fact that my father was dealing drugs...then I started dealing for him too. (I do not seek to excuse my father's sin, but feel it must be said...my Dad had a tumultuous childhood. He left home at the age of 14, due to his abusive Mother. He never completed his eighth grade education, which didn't leave him many options....but on top of all this, at the age of 20, he lost a third of his leg and suffered greatly due to that.)

I loved marijuana, and would smoke it every day...this went on for a couple years. The first time (of a few times) that I experimented with acid, after I took it, I knew I was going to die, so I went into the bathroom of my friends apartment and decided to pray for the first time in 6 years. It was simple and to the point..."Jesus, if you are real, PLEASE HELP ME!"....at that time, a peace came over me...but then the acid kicked in, and I forgot that prayer. It was during the following year that God started to give me dreams of Him coming into my life. I didn't recognize it at first, but eventually I did. After a night of drinking and pot smoking, I knew that God was REAL, and existed....and that I needed to repent of my sins...I was laying prostrate on the floor and prayed "Lord, I know you are real, and I lay these drugs down now".....at that very moment, it was as if scales were being wiped from my eyes, and I could see the light of God. I had a vision of His robed arm (while clouds shrouded the rest of His body) waving at me as if to say..."Come! Follow me!". It wasn't long after this, that I moved across state to leave the drug scene and former friends behind.(I was 25 at the time)

The enormity of God being REAL, the enormity of the bible being HIS WORDS was so fantastic. To know that I was not alone, to know that I had a heavenly Father to go to, to have His love, was just awesome. And now, at long last, I had the Daddy I always longed for, His busom longs for all His children to repose there. It was 7 yrs after my Mom's suicide that I was finally able to start healing from the pain and guilt. I was finally able to recognize that although my Mom and I had a tumultuous relationship, I was not guilty for her death.

I started praying EARNESTLY for my Dad, to leave the drugs behind too. A little over a year after my born again experience, and about a month and a half before my Dad died, he came to live with us. He was developing faith...but still somewhat entangled by the former life. He had a massive, unexpected heart attack in his sleep....but I had the comfort of knowing that huge seeds of faith had been planted, and were taking root, along with a beautiful experience from God...on the first night after finding him dead, I was alone in bed and crying...I saw no vision, and heard no words, but felt the finger of God, wiping both of my eyes! This comforted me greatly, to know that He cared about my pain and comforted me in such a direct way.

Close to two years after my Dad's death, God brought my husband and I together. We both have experienced the pain and comfort of God in our lives and there is no other person out there that can replace my dear husband. We both know that God has plans for our future and has purposed for us to minister before Him as He sees fit...we have been blessed by many wonderful dreams and visions, many of which pertain to the end times we are living in. We know that our Lord is returning very soon...and all of the pains of the past will be wiped away...and we will be with the Lord, alway!

.........of course, there is much more to this story of mine, I could literally write a book...but the main point is this... our God is a friend who sticks closer than a brother...and has comforted me greatly through many trials and storms. I pray that when you find yourself going through various trials, that you remember that God is with you (although it may seem like He's not)....many times He speaks to us, but we may not understand it is Him or what He means. With time however, we can look back similarly to the footprints in the sand and know He was with us all along!)

God bless you,
Kim

Kim I was so blessed by reading your testimony. Thank you so much for sharing it.....

Sometimes we never truly know why we go through such pains, but when we are faithful we reconize that still small voice and those "whys" are later revealed.

Your a blessing....

Oh Kim, thank you for sharing that... that must have been painful to write... but also a relief and a big comfort to you to tell your story! Wow... that is a lot you have gone through and I am so proud of you for putting this out there for all of us... (((((KIM))))) I am happy you have come to terms with everything that has happened in your life and that God is REAL to you! AMEN! You asked me if I had my testimony and it is nowhere near as painful as yours. You are a strong person whom God saw was going to make it and survive, to be on this board with US and help US through things... He had a plan.. and it is our HONOR to have you here. I am so blessed by your testimony and how you came to the Lord. May HE ALWAYS watch over you and bring you the greatest that Life has to give... and your husband and daughter too. That is an amazing story, and you have OVERCOME! Big hugs and blessings... I'm so glad to know you. xoxxoxo Love, Rose

Pamela,
Thanks so much for your encouragement! Your blessing means a lot. Amen, sometimes it takes time to recognize the fingerprint of God in our life. After the realization, that, in and of itself is miraculous.

God bless you,
Kim

Yes, how awesome and glorious is our God, he patiently cares and watches over us.

Wow, thanks so much for your huge blessing Rose! That really means a lot to me!! I know this is in scripture (somewhere, or the thought is there)...each heart has it's own pain, and only it can know it.
We all have our sufferings in this life, and only we are acquainted with them...but our God sees and knows all things...and has suffered even greater than we. I saw this once, in a dream. I was looking in the mirror, and reflected back was the Lord..., except His eyes looked like mine!...His eyes were full of pain, the same pain that I frequently saw in my own...(yet I knew, His was even greater, yet this was a great comfort to know that He KNEW exactly how I felt, not only knew, but was intimately familiar with that pain).

I pray that He always watches over you and yours too Rose, with many abundant blessings and revelations of Himself, in love. BIG hugs back'at'cha! and much love!
Kim

PS-when you have time, I would love to read your testimony too....Pamela, yours too!





hallelujiah! Amen!

God bless you A,
Kim

Kim... you are such a wonderful addition to our forum. You have so much to give and share... thank you for the blessings, and I promise to share my testimony soon.

Pamela you too!

Nice to see you here Don.. (he's so sweet too Kim, you'll really enjoy our fellowship here!)

Love and blessings tonight... it's so great to make new friends!

xoxox Rose

Sister,

What a wonderful testimony, I am so happy for you. May the Lord bless you always and maintain your faith strong in our Lord Jesus Christ.

God bless you

Kim,

Thank-you for sharing your testimony with us. God was able to turn the negatives around and make a positive. Kim + God= a winning team!

I also felt the pain in your testimony. We might grow but sometimes past memories can still make us cry. Just ask me... after-all I am sometimes such a cry baby. My mom when I was ten years old and home sick from school, decided to take an overdose of pills and tried to kill herself. When I realized what mom had done I ran as fast as I could to a neighbors house for help with mom.

Then there was the adolescent fascintion with the occult....plus my attempts at smoking pot. From the beginning I did not like pot and only smoked twice. With the smoking of Pot the paranoia increased; I believed everybody was talking about me.

Thanks again Kim and may God Bless You always!

Love,

Al

Wow!....everyone....(S)!

no, YOU are a sweetie! (LOL!)...git' that right girlie!....(no offense Don! I'm sure you're a nice guy!)

I truly cannot say how much it means to me that this testimony is a blessing. I've always prayed that God would use those former situations(especially my Mom), for good to bless others!

I pray too, that your faith remains triumphant in our King of Kings!, your friend, Kim

For you sister!....

It sounds like we have a lot in common! Is your mom ok now, later in life? I do hope so, but please feel free to share your heart (if need be)...and by all means, my prayers are with you and yours! My mom tried different ways to kill herself too. Pills with alcohol, drowning, and she tried to gas herself with a gas oven. I was unaware of these attempts because she begged her sister not to tell me. That's one thing, I do not hold it against her for not telling me, but in actuality...when a person is in a delusional state of mind, I feel it best that those who are close should know what is going on. Not only for the sake of those who care, but also the one who doesn't want everyone to know. I always wished I could beg her not to do what she did...to let her know that I loved her. I really don't think she would have done what she did, if she had realized the consequences...plus missing out on her grand-daughter.

Yes, I'm a big crybaby at times, lol. But one thing I must admit, I thoroughly hate sad movies now. If it's sad, I don't want to watch it...I know because I've had enough with the crying business, hehehe...why pay for what I've already got or had?...lol

God bless you Al,
Kim

Kimi,

Sending you some LOVE, even if it isn't as sparkly as the things you send me! So sad, both yours and Adeline's situations... but you are overcomers, and this Earthly life won't last forever. God SAID so!

(((((KIMI))))) and (((((Al)))))

God bless you Kim, this testimony has touched me. All the best to you and your family and may God bless you always.

Hi Kim,

My mother was never a happy person; she was so psychologically frail and it seems that life just kept beating her up! It's a long story that is best told in my testimony, in the section anything else! under the heading of Brokenhearted. When I was 10 years old, I was sick and stayed home from school. I sat in front of the TV watching Mchales Navy. Mom was in her room and called me and told me that it was all her fault as to the reason why I was so sick all the time. Mom went on to say that I would be better off without her. She than told me not to call anyone and said that she took some sleeping pills to end it all. For two minutes I looked down on her face and then in a frantic pace ran as fast as I could across the road to a neighbors house and cried out for help.

My mother died Febuary 14, 2004. Mom wouldn't allow anyone near her including God. God found mom in her terminal illness and supplied her with a "peace that surpasses all understanding." Mom was ready to go home to a home filled with love and acceptance, which seemed to pass her by in this life. Yes, my mother and I feel so bad for the hard life she had lived. My mother lived without God for so long and she only endured life but when God found mom? Mom began to live. So here is the next question? How does one begin to live life while in depths of a terminal illness. Praise the Lord that our GOD found her.

Gods Blessings,

Al

Your story, as well as Al's are both, a powerful testimony of God's faithfulness and care. I don't need to have physical proof of God's existence, because I've heard so many stories like this, and seen many miracles in peoples lives, including my own. The longer I live in this world, the easier it gets to "make my calling and election sure," and I am now, looking forward to The Morning of Eternity. What a party that's going to be!!!!!

Thanks for sharing these stories with us.

FreedomPower- Thanks for your kind comments! I pray you are blessed and encouraged by our Lord...and your faith remains strong and pure! God bless you! Kim

(((((((((ROSE)))))))))) you are such a precious encourager! I really admire your gift of encouragement and pray I can be as much of a blessing!

God bless you sis and love,
Kim

((((((((((AL)))))))))))))
Wow, yes sister! Praise God that she was found..but I'm sorry to hear of your loss! What a tough thing to handle at your tender age of ten. I don't have as much time left here now, but I will go to your thread and respond there too(later today). One of the hardest things I've had to overcome from my past is my guilt. Even though I came to the recognization that I was not the cause for all of my Mom's pain and subsequent suicide, this type of thinking becomes a mindset and can affect you in every aspect of your life. I went through many years of fear over hurting other people (and still struggle with this to a degree), as well as the tendency to blame myself for problems which may be simply out of my control. Have you struggled with those feelings too?

What was your mom's illness, may I ask? The hugest miracle of all is being born again.

God bless you sis! and love,
Kim

I'll be right there with ya' sister! I can't wait for that day...I try every which way to imagine it, to the point of drooling! LOL! Thanks for the encouraging comments! When and if you have time, I'd love to hear about the miracles you've witnessed in your life (or others). I do love faith building.

God bless you and love,
Kim


EVERYONE------------>

Kim,
I just finished reading your testimony and all that the Lord brought you through, wow, what a testimony and what a real blessing it was to read.

You made it fresh in my mind that God has brought me through so much and I was so blessed by how much you glorifed God in your post.
Thanks for reminding me.

Blessings to you sister.
In Christ alone,
Chris

Thanks so much for your encouragement Chris! Have you shared your testimony here yet? I'd love to read it too.

My favorite story in the bible is the story of Joseph. For so many years, it *seemed* like God had abandoned him; just one heartache and tragedy after another...but then the miracle came...and Joseph was lifted out of the dungeon. I don't believe that Joseph would have had the degree of wisdom he carried had he not endured the sufferings and hardships first. Wisdom is found in the house of mourning (according to Solomon).

It's taken many years for me to overcome the leftover emotions from my past...and I'm still overcoming. I would compare the overcoming to a pitcher which had a large hole in the bottom of it...the more God poured in the water of hope, the more it would drain out the bottom...LOL. It's not that I didn't believe God could or would intervene in any given circumstance; but rather I had a lingering hopelessness...wondering just what exactly I could hope in. I know my pitcher's been fixed...thank God. I don't know if this is speaking to anyone...but the story of Joseph really provided me with many nights of encouragement...when I would notice my pitcher getting ultra-low; I'd run to that story and find the hope I needed...that God will intervene (in His own way and timing too).

God bless you!
Kim

Hi Kim...I just read it too...

I'm reminded that the whole world is a bleeding sore... When we look into our families past and what made them thus and so... it forces forgivness into our hearts...Suicide...yes, l'm aquainted too. It's a devil no doubt... but God has a way of healing us if we let him..

And isn't his grace...mercy and love wonderful. It covers a multitude of sins.

Thanks so much for your testimony, it touched me... and I think it will speak to others. There are many broken people like us, but God is fixing us... and there are many people dabbling in things because they are hurting; a testimony like yours, a compassionate heart like yours, can be used by The Lord to minister people, just as you are doing with our sis Adeline.

Adeline, I'm so sorry about your mum. I am glad she found the Lord. (((((hugs)))))

Thanks for your kind thoughts Miki. Yes, this world is as a festering wound. I know how deeply I needed God's forgiveness and want to express that to others too. I'm sorry you have suffered the grief which comes from suicide as well. At times I felt as though I were living in hell...but I consider that God allows us to have glimpses of both sides, heaven and hell in this life...it's a testing ground and once we have overcome I'm sure we will look back and consider these sorry moments as but a roadbump on an eternal highway.

God bless you,
Kim

Thank you as well for your kind thoughts Shine4Him! I've been getting acquainted with the people on this forum and although there are disagreements from time to time...I do appreciate this place and opportunity for ministering one to another. Al has endured quite a bit in her lifetime and I admire her tenacity to overcome such great adversities...I consider her a trooper.

God bless you and have a great day!
Kim

Kim,

God Bless you!

God Bless you too!