It is past experiences that have their echo in the present, and although it is not a cross with nails, it is kinda my cross to carry and deal with it. At several points in my life while praying I asked Jesus if I could help Him carry the cross, for I do not want Jesus to be in pain. On one hand it helps me to open up to others who are hurting as well, and yes sometimes it gets the better of me. In those moments I just wish that someone would wrap their arm around me. When I was six or seven, I was physically abused for at least three years, while my parents failed to provide basic protection. It has forced me to rely on my own. This callus around my soul has become a shield, a warrior, like the shell of a chestnut. Deep inside I am still that child, which only knows love, wisdom and all the things that God loves. But at the first sign of danger (whether real or imagined), there is this reflex of the shell, shield to snap shut, as if Jean Luc Picard says: "Shields Up". Instant warrior mode, I call it. Selfdefense or defense for others... I know that the warrior will be stripped of by God one day soon, when there is no longer need for the shell. God wants the child in me, it is who I am. Do I make sense?

Last night I prayed and opened my Bible, and it fell open at Matthew 27 about Jesus Crucifixion. And my instant reaction was: "Oh No God, not the Crucifixion. You know that I hate to see Jesus suffer! I want Jesus to be happy!" For me it is one of the most difficult passages in the Bible to read. Every Easter I get depressed because of it and want to crawl under a blanky and wait till it is over. Giving love is ok, receiving is the difficult part. When I did read Matthew 27, for the first time I really understood the sacrifice that Jesus gave for us, but also for the first time I realized that He also did it to cover for MY sins, and I cried out for forgiveness. I did not mean for Jesus to hurt so bad. There is no way I could ever repay Jesus for that. Truly God *IS* Love!

Yes you do.
It looks like the type of reaction of this "Schwarzenegger" type in your dream in the red and white car, which pointed a gun at you.
The child in you is you or your memories where problems still were absent.
I'm glad you remember this period of your life.
It offers you some good comparison material with later times, when you learned to distrust (not your fault btw). And it can be regarded as a starting point, children need to develop and thrive.

You are mistaken

pouring on healing oil if I may...

The Warrior is a Child.. Do I trust You Lord

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.
I will trust You.

I stand in awe with you because... Truly God *IS* Love!

I am just testing out posting at this forum. I can tell you that I became a Christian after reading about Old Testament prophecy and after going to a church for about a year.