[indent][/indent]I love telling this story. I had a rough childhood, abandoned by my father at 2 with a teenage mom and baby sister. Violence and alcoholism and a Bible thumping stepdad who also abandoned us with 2 more baby brothers. Had gone to sunday school and chatechism classes, was in the choir, attended several denominations of churches. Mom had no coping skills and I ended up being the caretaker of the family. I went my own way for a long time. I suffered from severe depression starting at a very young age. I didn't know how to cope with my own feelings. My doctor prescribed tranquilizers and they worked for a while. I liked that I didn't have to feel. Eventually I found other drugs. A violent marriage of my own and a baby. I escaped that marriage and remarried. Second husband was verbally abusive. I'm a classic co-dependant. After a dozen or so years of this marriage and hard core drug addiction I was sick of living. I would go to work and just go through the motions of living. my husband was high all the time. I was high most of the time. I would pray every night before I went to sleep to not have to wake up in the morning. I'm a cashier and very sociable so I had many customers that I was friendly with. One day when I was at the end of my rope and I was tired of living a lie, I was visited by a pastor that I had previously confided in. He asked me how I was and instead of answering with my usual "I'm fine" I told him about my sad prayers. He grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes and said "You need Jesus" Well I finished my shift and went home to the usual chaos, ate dinner and went to bed. I laid in bed and cried for a couple of hours, and I thought he's right, I've been praying the wrong prayer. A moment of clarity and I said the prayer..... Jesus show me the way...... and I fell asleep. The next morning I woke up in a very pleasant frame of mind. I thought about the prayer I had prayed and I could just feel the presence of Christ running through every vein in my body. I was so amazed at how wonderful I felt. I knew I was going to be OK. I remember going to work that day and telling everyone that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and his name is Jesus. I know they probably thought I was nuts but I just couldn't contain myself. I decided to go to my friends church that sunday to thank him for his words. The experience I had that Sunday was another revelation for me. It was a large church and it was packed but the sermon seemed to be personally directed at me like I was the only one there. There have been many surrenders since then and the Lord has given me many signs that he is with me. Today I am in a recovery program where I believe god has a plan to use me. I'm not really sure how so I just keep on following in His path to the best of my ability. Praise GOD.

Beautiful story.
Funny how being straight with Jesus is so much better then being high alone.
I never would have guessed

Good Story above. Sorry to hijack the thread in a means of speaking, but I can't post a new topic and I am struggling. I suppose this isnt a post of how I became a christian but more of how I stopped being one. I am not tring to Antagonize anyone I am looking for direction and anything that can bring me back, but I have not found it. Now on to my story.

I was a christian since Birth (Catholic to be more specific), I never had any problem with faith, never had any problem believing. Then on September 11th, the world changed, I as an avid patriot took up Arms to defend my country and religion. I was not deployed to a combat zone until august of 2004, Iraq.
War is where I lost my faith in God. I am going to be brutally honest here, I have killed men women and children. "Ethics" kind of fly out the door when your being shot at and the people shooting at you look no different from the non- combatants. When my life was in danger I engaged anyone who didnt have an american flag on their shoulder, with no remorse, it was as easy as swatting a fly. It's funny how before then I couldn't even imagine taking another human's life, but in defense of my own I didnt care who I was killing, as long as anyone I precieved as a possible threat was dead. Then after an initial action I would break down after realizing what I had done, only to do it again to the point I know longer broke down. I was cold. At this point I turned to my faith, should I be better? Should I accept death over my will to survive as not to betray my morals? God did not reveal himself to me and show me the way, I was empty. There was nothing. I was fighting individuals who had a deep belief in what they were doing, they were fighting for God. We, for the most part, were winning. We had losses, one of my best friends in my unit was killed. At this point I was in a pickle, I asked God to reveal to me why this is happening. Why he could accept and yet condone this destruction. God can stop it at any time yet he doesn't he lets people assume they are killing in his favor! Be it Muslims or Christians, our superiors and chaplains were no better, they would reinforce that we were doing Gods work. Does God want me to kill children and women? Mind you I am not saying I was wrong, I was put in a situation and I did what I had to, to stay alive. Eventually I came home. I threw myself into coming up with answers to what I had done, and why it would be allowed to happen to begin with. I lost my faith in God. I will shorten a long story here and say: I looked for the answers. I found that most of the new testament was written long after jesus death and second hand at best, and hardly anything (with few exceptions) in the bible has any other source other than the bible, to me that is unacceptable to constitute valid history. Even with multiple sources, pieces of history(aside from the bible) from antiquity are hard to piece into absolute fact. Then I looked to other religions, only to stay further away, as most believe their religion is the "right" religion. Why would God do this? Why would God put some people by default at a disadvantage to those who were brought up to believe X religion is right? To elaborate my point if christianity is correct, why would God allow, for example, hinduism to exist, as children adhere to what their authorities tell them. They would be destined for hell for what they believe whereas a child born and raised chrisitian would be destined for heaven. If there is any doubt as to how much other religions believe I need only look at my experience in Iraq to prove that there are countless muslms willing to throw away their life doing what they believe is the work of God. I have been told it all, Satan tainted them to believe this etc. How am I supposed to believe that? Why could they not see satan has fooled them? Why would GOd all satan to fool them. Frankly, i am sick and tired of the "Its Gods plan" or "God works in mysterious ways" comments. I just can't believe it anymore. God stood by and watched one of his faithful fall without so much as a hint of a shove back into the light. I could go into more detail but as of this point I am an atheist. God was not there when I needed him most. I was abandoned, in my quest I came to the conclusion, that this is because nobody is there watching me. I don't mean to be callus, to berate anyone I am sure you get plenty of people who come on here to attack you. I am just looking for an answer, I went through an experience I wish upon no person, and I am looking for a reason why. Why God would let me do such a thing which I could not have known about, when I thought I was defending my way of life. End of Story. please respond.