I don’t know where to start. I don’t expect anyone to read this because it’s so long…and I am really shortening this up. I guess I will start at the beginning.

I grew up in a really religious family. We attended church faithfully. I had heard about God and Jesus all my life….but I didn’t really know Him. I prayed every night…and when my father was dying when I was eighteen, I would go to the chapel at the hospital and cry out to God to supernaturally heal him.

Losing him was devastating to me. I felt like my security blanket was gone. After my dad died….I took my savings and traveled around the country a bit. I was partying and putting myself in some potentially dangerous situations. I was running from all the pain. I went from LA to Texas (where I met my future husband) to Boston and then back to Texas.

I took a bus the last time I was going to Texas and I had this one woman minister to me. She talked to me for awhile and then asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus as my personal savior. I said yes…but felt like people were watching and didn’t feel comfortable praying on this crowded bus. I also didn’t feel like my heart was in it. But at least a seed was planted is the way I look at it.

When I got to Texas...I didn’t feel convicted when I decided to live with my boyfriend. We got a small apartment and were living together with no thought to the sin we were committing.

I was really close with one of his best friends and to make a long story short, he and I got even closer. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and moving to Ft. Worth were this other friend and I could be closer so we could date.

I ended up getting pregnant. I was terrified to have a baby at this point in my life and the father was moving up in the military and he didn’t want a baby either. And we both knew that we didn’t have plans to marry at the moment. So I decided to have an abortion. It sounded like it wasn’t that big of a deal and then my problems would be over.

I made the first appointment and the day of the appointment I was at the base seeing my friend. I remember looking at the time and knowing I had to leave in order to make it on time. But I just couldn’t make myself go. I was not looking forward to the procedure and what it was going to do. So I decided to miss this one.

I made a second appointment….and that day I was out at the mall shopping and was watching the time and had it in my head how long it was going to take me to drive to the clinic….so I was giving myself enough time. But as the minutes ticked away…I kept thinking of other things and tried to get my mind off of it. I was having a difficult time making myself go knowing that I was going to end my childs life. So I intentionally missed this one too.

I made a third appointment….I was determined to make sure I didn’t miss this one. And this day I was at the health club and I had finished working out and was sitting in the hot tub. I saw a sign by the hot tub telling you that if you were pregnant to be warned that the hot water could cause possible damage to the fetus because of the temperature. I just sat down in the water when I read the sign and I thought…I guess it doesn’t matter because I’m about to have an abortion. I must have sat there for about three minutes and every moment I was feeling more guilty that I was harming this baby. I stood up so that my stomach was not in the water anymore and I sat on the edge for a bit thinking…..if I am bothered this much by a hot tub hurting the baby…then how could I live with myself if I had an abortion.

To make this long story short….I had the baby and ended up breaking up with his father and going back to my previous boyfriend/future husband.

But after giving him up for adoption….the devil used that to torment me. I was hearing a baby crying in my ears when I would try to go to sleep at night. It was not a loud obvious cry, but like a distant sound.

I remember waking up at night and saying….”don’t you hear that?” He would say, “I don’t hear anything.” I remember asking the neighbors next to us one day if they had a baby and they said no. I knew it was just all in my head….but I still felt tormented.

One night when my boyfriend was at work….I could not stop crying. I just wanted to die. I was so sad because I was missing my child.

I remember crawling out of bed and falling on my knees and crying out to Jesus. I truly repented at that point for all my sins and asked Him to forgive me and come into my heart. I had remembered praying that part with the woman on the bus.

I felt a warmth go from the top of my head to the souls of my feet. I also remember that the little loft apartment we lived in was completely dark. There was a storm going on outside and there was no light. But I remember that I opened my eyes to see if a light had come on because as I was basking in the moment….even though my eyes were closed, it was like I was looking at the sun and the light was shining through my eyelids.

The empty pit in my stomach left and I felt like the Lord was really there with me, holding me.

I have never been the same since.

Nobody can tell me Yeshua is not the Messiah and Son of God.

I may not have all the wisdom that some do….and I need to learn more…but I can tell you what he did for me. He healed me and saved me when nothing else could.

Praise His holy name.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FObjd5wrgZ8...ted&search=



Collegegirl

Praise God.
Thank you for opening up your heart and sharing all of this.
Its truly amazing when you know that you know that you know, who He truly is, when He truly reveals Himself to you. When He does this, and makes your heart His dwelling place, He brings the change, and it is quite a difficult thing to make someone else (who does not have the Son) understand.

So thankful for what He has does as well.

In Christ,
Chris

Your story blessed me so much, thank you for sharing.

Thank you for sharing that with us. How merciful God was to give you three warnings and to hold you back. Pray for your baby...You will see the child again someday. May God bless you with another!

I enjoyed reading your story, thank you for posting it.

Thank you all for you kind words and for taking the time to read it. That was the condensed version.

And Miki....I hope your right.

My son turned eighteen this past July. I pray that I get the chance to talk to him before the rapture.

I know my sn sounds like I am a young person in my twenties.....but I am a single parent in college of two teenagers.

When I first joined a forum I was trying to think of a name to use and we had just watched the movie ..You've Got Mail.

And in the movie Meg Ryan used the sn Shopgirl.

So I thought about it and then came up with the sn Collegegirl. I had no idea that it was so widely used.

Cg

Collegegirl,
I loved reading your story. You have been very blessed! To have an experience like that and never be the same again is a wonderful blessing. And I'll bet you will get the chance to talk to your son. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he's had the same kind of experience you had! Thanks for sharing this!
Debbie

Thank you Debbie.

I hope your right. I pray for him every day. Everytime I pray for my daughters...I pray for him also.

God bless you.

Collegegirl

College Girl,

God bless you! I believe you saw the Lord! What a miracle and I am happy you are on this site with us now!

Thank you so very much California.

I'm happy to be here and l love it more and more as time goes on.

OH MY GOSH! What a moving testimony, College. God is so awesome- so full of mercy.

You know- I once heard a man preach who had a mighty deliverance ministry. He said during the service I attended that the enemy mimics a baby crying to torture many women who have had abortions and/or adopted their baby. How awful. You are not alone... many others have experienced this attack too.

I am adopted. I waited until I was 23 to contact my birth parents (one reason I waited was out of respect for my family, but the main reason I waited was because I wasn't ready until I was older). I am with Miki- you will meet him some day. God is so gracious to us.

Thank you for sharing your story. It is PRECIOUS- finer than gold and more luminous than diamonds. I love you.

This was a very touching story. I soooo enjoyed reading it. It brought happy tears to my eyes. Thank You for opening up your heart and sharing this.
May God Bless you,
Sakia

Thanks jhamner and Sakia. I really cut alot out.

But when I look back on it...the Lord was gently drawing me to Himself the whole time.

I just pray that I get to see my son before its too late.

Jhamner.....I believe what that minister said. I know for myself....I was tormented every night with those sounds. There were a few times I ended up waking up my fiancee and I would ask him if he heard it and he would always say no.

I thought I was going crazy. And I felt a terrible empty feeling inside.

As far as the adoption goes....

I have come across many young women who have given their child up for adoption...and some don't want to have any contact.

But I always felt that they still had a deep sadness inside. When I was taking the steps to find a family for my unborn baby....I remember that at the time....the state of Texas could only allow me one visit with the prospective parents and only for five minutes.

That night I had a dream. It was very vivid and I knew when I woke up that there was no way I could give my child up unless I knew that he was going to go with the right couple. I needed to know for myself that he was safe.

So I knew a Councelor and she was really spending time with me and we talked alot...and she knew of a couple that could not have children after they got married. They had adopted one child and the last time she heard....they were looking to adopt again. I called them and we met and I just knew they were the ones.

They are so gentle and loving, intelligent and both graduates of Texas A&M. They have good families and were very stable and I knew they would love him.

I had my sons mother be with me during his birth so she could have that experience. I wanted to give her that so she could tell him she was there from the start. And I wanted her to be the first one to hold him.

It was so hard the day I gave him up. I have never done anything so hard in my life. When I finally handed him to his new parents.....my heart was breaking into a million pieces.

But that night....a few months later, when I gave my heart to Yeshua.....he took the deep pain and all the noises of a crying baby away. I never was tormented again like that. Of course there was still some sadness. But the incredible deep pain was gone.

Since then....God has blessed me with two daughters that keep me on my toes.

What a mighty Savior we have.

Collegegirl

That was such a story of God's love for you and his grace. What a story of redemption. You've blessed us. Thanks.

Collegegirl, I am sitting here crying as I type this. I too gave up a child for adoption and I totally understand about hearing the baby crying. I have had to run out of stores because of the crying of babies just tearing me up inside. I had my son for 10 month before I gave him up. It will be 2 years this January.

I got saved about a month and a half after the adoption. As I approached the six month anniversary I heard that in Florida you had up to six months to change your mind (not true). I was a mess, in so much pain missing my son. Finally I prayed that God would either show me what to do to get him back or give me peace. I fell asleep crying that night.

The next morning, before I had even opened my eyes, or had a conscious thought, The Lord reminded me of Moses and Joseph, both separated from their families, both taken very good care of (though Joseph had a bit of a rougher time), both preserved by God for greater things, and both reunited (eventually) with their families. Then He flooded me with such a complete peace and love it took my breath away.

I will pray that you and your son are reunited soon. I know the longing that's in your heart.

Love,
magpie

Magpie....

I'm hugging you right now. I'm glad that you were touched by the post. I only mentioned it a little in another forum....but never really talked too much about it. I've thought about getting my own blog site and really going into detail because as I am getting more used to the Internet...I'm realizing more and more just how much one can use this to help others.

There is so much that I left out.

I never will forget when I was carrying him. One night when I had been sleeping on my side.... I woke up in the morning and found he was all on one side of my stomach. I had this little lump on one side of my belly.

Then I seen him move over and get himself positioned again in the middle. It freaked me out and reminded me of the movie Alien....you know where the creature comes out of the person? He just kept moving until he felt comfortable again.

But then I just felt him move. It was really amazing. I remember all those little kicks...the sound of his heartbeat during the doctors visits....feeling his little foot...his head. When I had him....I stayed up all night the first night looking at him and trying to remember every little wrinkle...every little curve....and just smelled him. I didn't want to forget anything. I have some special pictures I took of him then. His mom took a couple of me and him.

When the nurse came into the room during the night to check on us....he was looking at my face and I was talking to the nurse. He turned his little head around and looked at the nurse as if he wanted to see who I was talking to. We both laughed. He was very alert at night.

All the time....I tried to be so strong. Even while I was holding him...my heart was already breaking as I knew he was going to be given to this wonderful couple. I had two days in the hospital with him. My doctor was a loving Christian man and he wanted to make sure that I had a clear mind when I signed the adoption papers before he released me.

You give away a part of yourself when you give your child up for adoption. Your heart goes with that child. You don't forget those little moments when you carried your children.....ever.

I'm gonna send you my e-mail address in the pm system. If you ever want to talk or need to.....I'd like to be there for you. I know it has not been that long ago for you.

For me....my son turned eighteen this past July. I called his mother to speak with her...and he had answered the phone. Later she and I talked and she told me that he has asked about me. We both would never want to push him to see me. That has to be his decision and in his timing.

But I hope that one day.....I can tell him that I have always loved him and that a lack of love was not why I gave him up.

Love you Magpie. Have a great day.

College

Then I seen him move over and get himself positioned again in the middle. It freaked me out and reminded me of the movie Alien....you know where the creature comes out of the person?


LOL I had the same thing happen. I'll never forget the look on my boyfriends face!

What and amazing experience. I'm so grateful to God that I got to be a mama. Even if it was only for a short time.

Do you remember this song by Amy Grant? Breath of Heaven.

Its a song about Mary.

I would sometimes...cry/pray the words in this song.

It was really how I felt. Did you feel that desperate? I certainly did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2egKS4d1oI

And its amazing how He does help you. God has mercy on those who call out to him and are broken. I think being truely broken is the key.

I see so many that give their lives to the Lord...but there is no change. I wonder sometimes if a special touch from God comes down on those who are truely repented.

Oh my goodness....I cannot tell you how terrible I felt at that moment for all of my life and all the things I did wrong. I still stumble....and I think because of my ex...I allowed anger into my heart. But He is such a merciful savior. He is always ready to forgive us if we come to Him.

Here is another great praise and worship song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FObjd5wrgZ8

He truely is worthy of all of our praise.

There is a scripture in the Psalms that I used to cling to for the longest time. I believe what God says in His Word...we can apply to ourselves.

This is Psalm 126:5

Those who sow in tears...will reap in joy.

You gave a gift to someone Maggie. You gave the gift of a child to someone. And I know it was the hardest thing you ever did.

You sowed a gift into someones life. And I believe that God remembers that sacrifice and will one day reward you for it.

God bless.

Collegegirl

Wow! Very well said.

You are showing the wisdom G-d has put in you.


Father, I ask that you help bring true and lasting peace and happyness to the both of them. In Jesus name, amen.

Magpie...

I know that was not easy. Mine was only with me for two days...but if you had ten months to bond...that had to be even harder to let go I would think.

Its interesting that others also hear the sound of a baby crying.

I honestly think this is satans way to torment. Perhaps to try and drive us to such deep depression that we would not want to live anymore. I felt that way. I didn't want to live anymore.

But Yeshua is so good. It took me a couple days to realize that something was different other than just a good feeling inside. But I noticed that I was not hearing the sounds anymore.

Interesting to know that this is not an uncommon phenomenon.

I don't know if you read it...but Jhamner also said this...



Bottom line is....Yeshua rescued us out of the clutches of the devil. He can't have us or our childen.

Hope to talk with ya later.

Love,

College

[indent][/indent]Thankyou that is wonderful. I love to hear how other people found the Lord. Ihave many friends who were adopted and have relationships with their biological parents as well as good relationships with their adoptive parents. We are all one big family in Christ. Love and Hugs

40And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
Matthew 25:40

Thank you all for the comments. G-d is good.

I was blessed by your story. I pray for women to choose life all the time. It is encouraging to hear about stories like your own. God is clearly with you. One day your testimony will have more stories of God's redeeming love in your life. I hope to see you here again. I think that I will.
Blessings

PS

Do you see how many hits this thread has had? How did you accomplish that? Wow! Praise Jesus.